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Robyn’s Extremely Online Round-up #4: Failed bottle popping, haunted dogs and vibrator awards

The fourth instalment in our new series recaps the weekly shenanigans in the peloton, showcasing the fun side of cycling

Robyn Davidson
8 Mar 2022

As someone who is an avid Netflix watcher, aka I scrounge an account off my paying sister, the news about a potential Tour de France docuseries has filled me with a crazy amount of joy. 

Almost the same amount as witnessing Strade Bianche this weekend, when a ridiculously competitive women's field had been eventually whittled down to Annemiek van Vleuten and Lotte Kopecky. 

It was the opposite of what would emerge in the men's edition of the race. Tadej Pogačar launched an impressive 50-kilometre solo attack to become the first Tour de France winner to also reign victorious on the white gravel roads of Tuscany. 

But what has been going on online Robyn? I hear you. Let's get into another edition of my Extremely Online Round-up.

Good vibes only

What’s been the prize that made you the most jealous in cycling?

 

Could it be the Tirreno-Adriatico trident, glittering gold in all its gloriousness? Perhaps the garden gnome on display that Emma Norsgaard held aloft after finally spraying her champagne at Le Samyn? What about the pig for the best-placed Breton at Tro-Bro-Léon?

They don’t hold a candle on Ellen van Dijk’s prize at the EasyToys Bloeizone Fryslân Tour.

Coincidentally, a candle was probably the only thing missing from her box of goodies.

All eyes were on the opening stage after complaints about commuting cyclists and a reversing van on the course. They then swiftly moved into the direction of Ellen van Dijk’s Twitter page after her time trial victory.

‘Prizes in women’s cycling are improving’ she said, ‘you can leave tips on how to use it in the comments.’

Inside the box lay a wand vibrator, lube, kama sutra cards and ‘play socks’ – I just wonder if they meet UCI regulations?

I’d say I regret giving up the competitive side of cycling, but let’s be real. I could never match the level of van Dijk anyway.

How many professional cyclists does it take to open a bottle?

T.I. made popping bottles sound so easy.

They say teamwork makes the dreamwork, but what happens when you all race for separate teams?

The events at Le Samyn des Dames answered that question last week when Emma Norsgaard found herself in an unfortunate situation.

We’ve all tried and failed to open a bottle in the coolest of fashions. But we didn’t have to deal with the spectacle being broadcast live to thousands of viewers around the world.

After beating Valcar-Travel & Service’s Chiara Consonni and Vittoria Guazzini of FDJ Nouvelle Aquitaine Futuroscope in a sprint, the usual celebrations on the podium took place until… Norsgaard just couldn’t pop her bottle.

She tried, tried and tried again, with Consonni and Guazzini then attempting to help.

Eventually two podium officials stepped in to save the day, but maybe a corkscrew should be on hand next time. 

Blink twice if you need help

I cannot stop looking at this picture. It’s the most perfect one to ever exist.

Rein Taaramäe finally made it back home after two months on the road from Oman to UAE, only for his dog to look less than impressed, eyes fixated on the camera in a plea for help at the arrival of this stranger.

It’s giving ‘going to the club with your girls and a random man comes up to you’ followed by the inevitable story of ‘I could’ve gone professional if I didn’t injure my knee.’

Even the way the dog is sitting. The paws on the knees. The uncomfortable aura. Taaramäe's arm on the back of the chair. I love it. Furless dog, please blink twice if you need help. 



Special shoutout: Podium sofas

On the subject of podiums in this article, why do we expect cyclists to exert even more energy lifting prizes when they’re not known for upper body strength? Maybe that’s just me.

Granted it was a smart sponsor move, but after over 200 kilometres in the saddle at Le Samyn I bet the comfy cushions were a welcome sight.

Then again, they have just been sitting down for hours anyway amirite?

I’m off to start a petition to have them at every stage of the Tour of Britain. I bet it’ll coincide with a DFS sale.

See you next week!