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Eurovision performances as Giro d’Italia teams

Robyn Davidson
15 May 2022

The comparison you’ve all been waiting for

The glitz. The glamour. The drama. The outfits.

I am of course talking about the Giro d’Italia, where the GCN team and their answer to Saturday evening’s Mika (Adam Blythe, obviously) have been giving us brilliant band-inspired photoshoots before every stage.

Eurovision is the greatest night of the year. With the Giro d’Italia being one of the greatest races of the year, it’s a match made in heaven.

Ukraine won the 2022 song contest as the UK surprisingly finished second, something I never expected to see in my lifetime.

Let’s meet the Eurovision counterparts of the Giro teams…

 

Norway: QuickStep Alpha Vinyl

Eurovision via Instagram, A.S.O./Charly Lopez

Alpha is literally in the name.

Norway brought the crazy to Eurovision on Saturday night, and what else do we watch this show for?

We don’t know who’s behind the yellow wolf masks, so I cannot realistically rule out Michael Mørkøv's abandon in the Grand Tour having been a ruse, so he could be one half of the mystery duo on stage in Torino.

Come to think of it, where was Mark Cavendish?

One line from their song is ‘give that wolf a banana,’ probably words uttered by Patrick Lefevere during today’s effort into Blockhaus.



Finland: Jumbo-Visma

Eurovision via Instagram, Tim de Waele via Getty Images

You can try and recreate previous success, but sometimes it doesn’t always go to plan.

Rock has proven very popular at Eurovision (and in my heart), Italy winning with Måneskin in 2021 and Finland’s Lordi in 2006.

But Finland couldn’t replicate the latter in 2022, opting for an interesting IT-themed performance in yellow and black. On that subject…

Jumbo-Visma won the last Grand Tour, the Vuelta a España in 2021, but ambitions have crumbled in the past week as they plummeted down the general classification, especially after stage four to Mount Etna.

As it stands, their best-placed rider on general classification is Sam Oomen, seven minutes behind maglia rosa wearer Juan Pedro Lopez.

At least Jumbo-Visma’s Koen Bouwman won stage seven.

Everyone liked that.

Czech Republic: Drone Hopper-Androni Giocattoli

Being the opening act for Eurovision must be hard.

You’re the first one up and set the standard for everyone to follow, ultimately getting forgotten about ten acts and a few glasses of wine later.

The Italian ProTeam riders face the same task every day: make the breakaway and get television time for sponsors.

But eventually the breakaway gets engulfed by the peloton and they finish 22nd after jury and public votes.

Moldova: EF Education-EasyPost

Eurovision via Instagram, Michael Steele via Getty Images

With an oversized coat, cool red cap and surrounded by men in patterned suits, Moldova’s Zdob si Zdub is a fine fit for the ‘cooler younger brother’ persona of the gravel-loving, alternative-riding, pink-kit-wearing EF Education-EasyPost.

Although they’ve produced a new kit for the Giro d’Italia, it’s still a funky coloured design.

Lest we forget the 2020 Giro duck jerseys, that clearly would be France’s trippy psychedelic entry that had me feeling like Lenny Leonard after licking the psychoactive toad in The Simpsons.

Switzerland: Ineos Grenadiers

Ballads are a risky choice.

Unfortunately for Ineos Grenadiers, I believe Eurovision should actually ban ballads from their contest too because they’re boring. We had five in a row last night! Unacceptable.

But ballads are based off a steady, dependable rhythm until the final dramatic crescendo like Stage 9’s Blockhaus finale. It gets the job done and we move on to the next.

Richard Carapaz is Ineos’ best-placed man on GC in 4th and has been reliably ticking along as the more mountainous stages begin to appear and the maglia rosa battle hots up. Insert another musical pun here. 

United Kingdom: Groupama-FDJ

Eurovision via Instagram, Tim de Waele via Getty Images

It must be hard carrying the weight of a nation on your shoulders. You can expect the worst and then suddenly end up overperforming and shooting to success.

Take Thibaut Pinot for example.

Before his Tour of Alps success, the Frenchman had been without a victory for 1,000 days. His career and weight of expectations has been widely documented.

As have those of the United Kingdom. Sam Ryder’s Space Man made heads look up and eyebrows raise during Eurovision, because frankly, it’s the only song we’ve sent in recent memory that sounded as if it belonged there.

Then came the unbelievable moment of a SECOND PLACE. Second! Not even on the right side of the board!

It may not have been a Eurovision victory, but it was a win by the United Kingdom’s standards.

Sure, Pinot is not in this Giro d’Italia team, but Groupama-FDJ are, and by association this comparison makes sense. If you have any complaints, please send them. I will not read them.

Romania: Cofidis

Eurovision via Instagram, Michael Steele via Getty Images

A match made in vampiric heaven.

Cofidis’ red kit aligns nicely with Romania’s outfits that definitely needed baby oil to don – perhaps even chamois cream for good measure. 

The Transylvania region of Romania is known for associations with Dracula, a fitting home base for Cofidis, despite their claim to be registered in France.

You aren’t fooling anyone.

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